Edward Snowden is a Dick

The title of this post isn’t a judgement of Edward Snowden’s actions as an NSA traitor. That’s a completely separate issue. I’m actually kind of on the fence with regard to that. On the one hand, I think it’s a good thing that people challenge the ethics and legality of what our government does. And I also think the NSA bears some responsibility for not properly screening the employees of the companies they contract with. On the other hand, I’m not really convinced that tossing huge troves of classified documents into the public realm and running to Russia is really the best way of handling things.

What I’m talking about is a completely separate issue. He’s a dick. If you hate Edward Snowden, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Edward Snowden is a traitor! And also, he’s a dick!” If you love Edward Snowden, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Edward Snowden is my hero! But why does he have to be such a dick?” See what I mean? He’s a dick no matter how you look at it.


Edward Snowden at his recent TED talk. He’s the dick on the far right, who thinks he’s a robot.

I recognized many months ago that Edward Snowden was a dick, but his total and absolute douchebaggery was not entirely crystal clear until I saw his recent TED talk. He appeared on stage as a Hoover vacuum cleaner which he operated from his evil lair in Russia.  “It’s not about me!” – He says that a lot, as he talks about himself. Go ahead – watch it!  I dare you! You’ll want to shower afterwards.

Does he think he’s Sheldon Fucking Cooper?


Sheldon Cooper (left, not a dick) in robot form converses with Leonard (right) as Leonard drives. From The Big Bang Theory.

Lets be clear here: Sheldon Cooper (The Big Bang Theory) is fucking cool. He can get away with being a robot. Edward Snowdon, on the other hand, cannot.


Edward Snowden (left, a dick), and Sheldon Cooper (right, a non-dick)

What could Edward Snowden do to become a non-dick? Here are some suggestions.

  1. Get some proper non-dick glasses.  Ones that fit your face.
  2. Grow a proper beard or shave this shit off.
  3. Have this fucking thing removed.
  4. Don’t show us so much of your pasty white neck. Do you even have an Adam’s apple?
  5. Stop it with being a robot. You are not Sheldon Fucking Cooper.
  6. Stop making every conversation about you.

If Edward Snowden would do those things, he would go a long way toward being a non-dick. He might still be a fucking traitor. But he would at least be less of a dick.

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