Why is Google so Shitty?

While reading an article on Wired the other day, I was astonished to discover the article originated on Google+. It was the first time I had ever heard of anything actually coming out of Google+.

Google is bigger (by far) than Walmart! They are almost as big as Exxon-Mobil!

market-caps

Market capitalizations as of 3/25/2014.

800px-Walmart_exterior

10,957 of these stores are NOTHING in comparison to Google!

Let that sink in a moment. Walmart has 10,957 stores around the world. You can’t turn a corner without running into one. In fact, the last time you took a dump, it was probably at Walmart.

What does Google have? As near as I can tell, there are seven people in San Francisco who wear something called “Google Glass” into bars, where they get beat up a lot. Also, there is a car or something that drives around San Francisco or somewhere that has no driver. Big fucking deal? It’s a 400 billion dollar company!

Google Glass

This Google Glass wearer looks way too happy.

They started off as a simple search engine, and I’ll give them kudos for that. They are still (sort of) a good search engine, although they’ve started filtering my search results based on what they think my preferences are, which is kind of irritating. Google Earth and Maps are cool too. So what does that add up to, market cap-wise? $500 million? A billion? I mean, come on … both the search engine and Google Earth existed before Google was a public company. What have they done since then? What do they do with the rest of their money? Remember: Google is bigger (by far) than Walmart’s 10,957 stores.

Well, for one thing, they bought Youtube. Youtube used to be cool. I could go there and search all manner of crazy shit and be entertained for hours. And I could download MP4’s of any of the content to use in mash-ups or whatever. Since Google took over Youtube, however, a lot of things have changed. For starters, I can’t find shit anymore. If I want to find a clip from a South Park episode, for example – say “Towelie” or something from the infamous Shake-Weight episode – I’m gonna be shit out of luck. Anything I find will either be in Spanish, or it will be a shitty low-resolution video that some guy with a shaky hand made by pointing a video camera at the TV screen, with a vacuum cleaner running in the background. And they took away the add-on that let me download videos with a click. I can still download videos, but I have to go to a third party website, so I’m not sure what the rational for that change is. I mean, Google hasn’t prevented people from downloading videos: They’ve simply made it a pain in the ass. Maybe Google hasn’t noticed the exodus from Youtube to sites like Vimeo? There’s a reason for that!

For a company that prides itself on seamless interfaces, I sure wish they would stop mucking up the interface of Youtube. Anytime I want to go to my channel to add a video or to change something, I have to relearn where the fuck everything is. I’ve got various options and widgets down the left side of my screen (“What to Watch,” “My Channel,” , “Playlists,” etc.), then various things across the middle (“Home,” “Playlists” again, etc.), then top center like “Video Manager,” then a dropdown on the top-right that has “Dashboard,” “Video Manager” (again!), “Youtube Settings,” then another Goddamn dropdown over there that’s empty except “Google+ notifications” ….. Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me in the ass! For Fuck’s sake people … this is not fucking seamless!

youtube-wtf3

What I see when I go to my Youtube channel. Looks like shit, doesn’t it? A company that’s bigger than 10,957 Walmart stores made this interface. [Click to enlarge.]

Have a good look at the screen grab of my Youtube interface up there. That was designed by a company that is bigger than Walmart’s 10,957 stores. And they didn’t start from scratch. When Google bought Youtube, they bought Youtube’s existing simple, clean interface. It took serious work for Google to morph that into the cluster fuck that it is today.

Oh, and that Google+ menu I mentioned up there? Yeah, I got tricked into a Google+ account the other day when, for the umpteenth time, I went to my Youtube account and had to go through screen after screen of “You’re username sounds funny. Are you sure you don’t want to be Robert327398? How about Zombie67942?” No motherfuckers – If I wanted to change my username, I would have done so long ago. So quit asking.

So now I have a Google+ account, which is empty. No, I don’t want any fucking “Circles.” I mean, I can barely tolerate Facebook’s social media as it is. Why would Google think I want yet another social media network infiltrating my life, reaching it’s tentrils into my private life like a goddamn fungus?

At least Facebook had the courtesy to be shitty from the outset. Google, on the other hand, used to be cool. They had to devolve to become this way.

Shitty

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