CNN Breaking News: We’re OUT!

CNN announced today that they are leaving the business of reporting the news so that they can devote their full attention to their core business of advertising for the Lockheed Martin company.

Said Wolf Blitzer: “That whole news shtick was just a sideline anyway. Weapons are where it’s at, man!”

Taking a cue from hardware behemoth Home Depot, CNN made the announcement by DOING. In a (fucking ridiculous) report in their coverage of the downing of Malaysia Airlines Flight 17, they suggest that maybe civilian airliners should be equipped with countermeasures, since this sort of thing happens all the time. [As an aside, where is Don Lemon in all of this? Isn’t it time for him to be asking if Flight 17 was swallowed by a black hole or the Bermuda Triange?]

Here is a screen grab from the videos page on CNN’s website, showing a concerned-looking CNN tool discussing the situation with a smoking hot military analyst:

cnn tool

CNN tool discusses countermeasures with smoking hot military analyst. [Click to enlarge.]

See the playlist down at the bottom there? That next video in the queue, titled “Military tests new all-terrain vehicle” is one long Lockheed Martin advertisement. Check it out:

cnn lockheed

Lockheed Martin advertisement disguised as “news.” [Click to enlarge.]

Don’t worry: You don’t have to click that little box in the upper right corner to be directed to Lockheed Martin’s website. Clicking anywhere within the video will do just fine. Oh, by the way, can you guess what Lockheed Martin sells?

lockheed countermeasures

Lockheed Martin: “We make money on both sides!” [Click to enlarge.]

That’s right kids … they sell countermeasures! Actually, they sell both the missles and the countermeasures used to counter them, but that’s just nit-picking. Anyway, as you can see, you can download a lovely brochure on “Targets and Countermeasures” straight from their website.

Farewell CNN. I would say it was nice knowing you, but fuck you.

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