Presidential Hopefuls Demonstrate They Eat Fair Meat Just Like People

I dunno man … eating shitty pork at the Iowa State Fair must be important. Every four years here in the US, our presidential hopefuls head to the Fair and make sure plenty of photos are taken of them touching the meat, tasting the meat, smiling with the meat…

Here’s Hillary strutting around like she owns the place with her slab of pork and fancy lemonade.

"See! I eat shitty fair food, just like you peasants!" (Hillary)

“See! I eat shitty fair food, just like you peasants!” (Hillary)

Next is Jeb, who’s running on the “I’m not stupid like my brother” platform. Look at him cringe! You know he’s only doing it because he saw Hillary bite hers.

"Hillary took a bite, now we're all gonna have to take a bite. Thanks, Hillary!" (Jeb)

“Hillary took a bite, now we’re all gonna have to take a bite. Thanks, Hillary!” (Jeb)

Here is Huckabee faking it. Note that both he and Jeb are wearing pork-server aprons. Is the irony of politicians serving pork lost on these people or what?

"I'll just hold it near my mouth and pretend." (Huckabee)

“I’ll just hold it near my mouth and pretend.” (Huckabee)

The Donald looks like he’s about to orgasm as he kisses that ass slab of pork. By the way, why is he wearing a hat? I mean, he’s got great hair!

"I'll just kiss mine the way I like people to kiss my sweet, delicious ass!" (Trump)

“I’ll just kiss mine the way I like people to kiss my sweet, delicious ass!” (Trump)

Jeb “I’m not a dumbass like my brother” Bush throws down the gauntlet in front of Hillary and chokes down a goddamn deep-fried Snickers bar. He looks to be near tears. Poor guy.

"I'll see your shitty fair pork and raise you a deep-fried Snickers. Take THAT, Hillary!" (Jeb)

“I’ll see your shitty fair pork and raise you a deep-fried Snickers. Take THAT, Hillary!” (Jeb)

Hillary is not impressed with Jeb’s mad Snickers-eating skills. But wait … there are bite marks on her pork chop now! She must have handed it off to an aid when nobody was looking. “Make this shit look like I’ve been eating it. I’m too busy looking all concerned and stuff.”

"I'm concerned about that thing you're concerned about, peasant. Like, marriage is between one man and one woman. Or it's not. Or something. Whatever." (Hillary)

“I’m concerned about that thing you’re concerned about, peasant. Like, marriage is between one man and one woman. Or it’s not. Or something. Whatever.” (Hillary)

Here’s The Donald again …

"This town needs a monorail!" (Trump)

“This town needs a monorail!” (Trump)

Michele Bachmann isn’t running this time around. She just showed up for the corndogs.

Backmann

“Umph gah gumph owt mumph.”

Rick Perry is also not running this time around. But back in 2011, he demonstrated at the same Iowa State Fair the proper way to blow a [corn] dog. [Update: A Canadian guy pointed out that Perry actually has thrown his hat into the ring this time around. He sure as fuck is being low-key about it though.]

Republican presidential candidate, Texas Gov. Rick Perry walks with his wife Anita and eats a veggie corn dog as they visited the Iowa State Fair in Des Moines, Iowa, Monday, Aug. 15, 2011. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

“What do you mean, I look like I’ve done this before?” (Rick Perry; 2011 AP Photo)

Probably the only reason Mitt Romney isn’t running this time around is the thought of having to choke down more Iowa State Fair pork.

Mitt Romney

“Take the fucking picture already! My lips are turning numb.”

See … Obama had his Iowa State Fair pork too! It’s a goddamn rite of passage! But at least he got to be President. All Bachmann, Perry, and Romney got out of it was indigestion.

Barack Obama

“I’ll just wrap this bad boy up and stick it in the freezer. Hillary may need it in eight years or so.”

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3 Responses to Presidential Hopefuls Demonstrate They Eat Fair Meat Just Like People

  1. globetrotter says:

    Welcome back!

    • Thanks! 😀

      Still a little uncertain what direction I ultimately want to go with this thing. I always seem to slip back to satire of one form or another though, so maybe I should be comfortable with that? Plus, these politicians are all easy pickings!

      “Heidi” is gone of course. I hear things are looking quite a bit better these days, for those who remain on site.

      Hope you’re doing well. 🙂

  2. mjlstories says:

    First black president, first woman…
    I’m just waiting for you guys to elect the first atheist vegetarian.

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