Author Archives: ZombieSymmetry

In Defense of a Lunatic

I am an atheist, so it feels a little weird that I find myself wanting to defend someone who, in my view, is a religious fruitcake. Still, I’ve been watching the media orgasm all over this Kim Davis story for … Continue reading

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Trumpocracy

Anybody else remember when Donald Trump played the Secretary of Education in the movie Idiocracy?

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Presidential Hopefuls Demonstrate They Eat Fair Meat Just Like People

I dunno man … eating shitty pork at the Iowa State Fair must be important. Every four years here in the US, our presidential hopefuls head to the Fair and make sure plenty of photos are taken of them touching … Continue reading

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Washington Post Goes High Tech, Atari 2600 Style

I was reading a Washington Post article about the crazy number of police shootings in the US so far this year. It’s a good article, but I kept getting distracted by the groovy¬†high tech graphics that Washington Post is using … Continue reading

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Big Big Badda Boom!

So how come nobody is talking about the giant extinction event that the Earth is just barely gonna avoid on Thursday? ūüôā Asteroid 1999 FN53 will be whizzing past the Earth on Thursday, May 14¬†and¬†will miss us by about 3 … Continue reading

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When Your Signal to Noise Ratio Sucks

For several years,¬†Australia’s Parkes Observatory has been detecting¬†sporadic,¬†mysterious radio¬†bursts that appeared to emanate from deep space. Last month, it was reported that this mystery has now been solved. Apparently, the folks at the observatory would sometimes open the microwave oven … Continue reading

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Maybe You Shouldn’t Drink That?

“Ashish!” said Sal as he washed his glassware at the laboratory sink, “You look like shit!” “I feel like shit, man!” said Ashish. “I’ve gained eight pounds in the last week, but I’m not fatter in the slightest: I’m just … Continue reading

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“NASA” Invents Steampunk EM Engine Powered by Unicornium Lulz

The Intertubes lit up last night with a reported successful test at¬†NASA‚Äôs Johnson Space Center of¬†an electromagnetic (EM) propulsion drive. The drive is said to operate by pushing against virtual particles, meaning that it requires no reaction mass be expelled … Continue reading

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Soul Train

“Told you so!” I croaked¬†to Sal as we approached the stationary freight train. “You said it was a mirage — a goddamn Fata Morgana. Well, ain’t no goddamn mirage.” Sal didn’t have the energy to respond. We were spent, having … Continue reading

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Sunday Service

Crusty Mavis ran the most profitable brothel in Lexington county, thanks largely to the Northboro Baptist Church.¬†They had built their church right next door and then demanded that Mavis close her ‘business’ which was unlawfully close to their sacred ground. … Continue reading

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The Crappiest Band in Pickens County

The Residents of Magnolias Assisted-Living made up — Martha was sure of it — the worst band in Pickens County. That the police had not run them out of the park an hour¬†ago was a miracle. She pulled the trumpet … Continue reading

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Ghosts

Exclusion Zone Expedition; Day 37. We penetrated deeper into the exclusion zone today and came upon the remnants of another house. Very little of the structure remains. What are ghosts? I’ve never believed in them in the conventional sense, yet … Continue reading

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Smoke It Up There, Kid!

Brad could feel Marie’s eyes boring into him like a pair of surgical lasers. Surrounded by children on Brad’s festively decorated and brightly lit porch, Marie stepped close and seethed into his ear: “God damn it, Brad,¬†candy cigarettes are not … Continue reading

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Space Invaders

The wine rack across the bar from me burst into all manner of groovy, swirling colors. “Whoa!” I said. “What do you call this shit again?” “Space Invaders,” said Sal. “The latest in hallucinogenic malware. It’s kind of like LSD, … Continue reading

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Attica 2071

Attica was a strange place in the seventies. Right around 2065, they instituted a new rule. It was kind of a strange rule — an “off the books” kind of rule if you know what I mean. People outside of … Continue reading

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Crusty Mavis vs. The Imbecile

Mavis’s leathery cheeks molded themselves into an almost imperceptible¬†smile as she watched, through yellowed eyes, the commotion on the beach. Celebrity debutante Harris Pilton had arrived with her entourage that morning and was busy posing for her photo shoot. The … Continue reading

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Colombian Crotch Fashion

In case anyone has missed it, a Colombian Women’s Cycling Team has been shaking up Europe this week. Apparently that flesh-colored midsection in the photo is actually “gold”. Amusingly, the lighting for this photo casts just a touch of shadow … Continue reading

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Big Brother Wants to Sell You a Goddamn “Down With Big Brother” T-Shirt

I noticed an advertisement on Facebook today for a “Down With Big Brother” t-shirt. Oh, the fucking irony! Somewhere along the way, I listed George Orwell’s Nineteen Eighty-Four as one of my favorite books in my Facebook profile. Facebook’s algorithms … Continue reading

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The President of the United States is Not a Superhero

At any given moment in history, the President of the United States might be a democrat or republican. The President might be liberal or conservative, male or female, black or white, gay or straight. Yet despite all of the possible … Continue reading

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They Ain’t Pervs!

“Martin¬†…” “Yes, my little pelvic affiliate? Num num!” Candice pointed to the window. “Shh! Cut it out. I thought I saw something moving out there!” I looked up from Candice’s neck at the window reflected¬†in the bathroom mirror. “Nobody there,” … Continue reading

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